I’m feeling lost.

I’m living in the town I went to high school in, I don’t have a job, it’s already getting too hot to venture out much in the middle of the day (with a baby). I’m sleeping in the same room I threw up in for the first time. I’m writing this post from the same place I wrote my first journal entry realizing something was definitely, definitely wrong with the way I was eating and thinking.

I’m not feeling confident.

Something about being in my hometown makes me feel inferior. I suddenly hate my body. It’s become a requirement to workout and if I don’t–I can’t stand myself.

I want to be back in Germany.

I’m not sure if this was the right decision. Of course there are so many positives to being here but I just need to vent. And I have no one to vent this to because no one has moved like we have and everyone is so happy we’re here. I don’t envision receiving much understanding.

All of these thoughts are making me nauseous. And I just want to be a much thinner version of myself.

I find myself in this state increasingly…to the point where my head hurts from all the chaos. I know if I just lose a few pounds it won’t be quite so loud.

 

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