treepose2

This picture was taken in Mykonos, Greece, this past summer. When I initially saw it, I thought I was unacceptably gigantic. I’m still having trouble seeing anything but arms that are way too big and thighs that should be cut in half, but I’m going to practice.

A recent but very inspiring and awesome friend, Kaila, and I were having coffee yesterday. In the middle of a story I was telling she said, “I’ve noticed you put yourself down a lot…” It kind of took me by surprise because I wasn’t really aware I was doing it at the time. I do minimize just about everything ED-related because I don’t feel worthy of compassion regarding any of it. This was my inspiration for this post (thank you my lovely friend!).

If I were talking to a friend who was saying the same exact harsh words in regards to herself, I would react with kindness and compassion. I would wish she could see what I see. I would want to tell her she is radiant, intelligent, beautiful, and amazing. 

Without drastic measures, I will never, ever be a size 0. Or 1, 2, or 3. Pretty much everything in this life is more important than the number on the scale, your clothing size, a thigh gap, how many ribs you can count, or how far your hip bones jut out. Today, I am accepting the body I have now, and am grateful for it. It’s allowing me to get through a half marathon on Saturday. It will one day (hopefully soon) be a vessel to produce offspring. It allows me to have a conversation over coffee and be present. It is strong and able to do things I really value, like travel to Greece and do things that make me happy (ie. randomly striking a very bad tree pose).

I know very few women who say kind things out loud about their bodies. I want to be that person. I would so much rather be a role model of healthy body image than participating in the usual body-shaming that happens all the time in groups of females–disordered eaters or not. It’s hard not to participate, I’ve rarely had success because I fat-shame myself in my head all day long–it’s the easy thing to do.

I have been rather hot and cold the past few months about wanting to have this ED so far behind me and wanting it back worse (better?) than ever before. I’ve had more lapses than I’d like to admit, but I’ve also come back from them stronger than before. I want more than ever to be myself  and not this disorder. I think hanging on to its remnants from my teens/early twenties is one giant waste of time. I want to spend my time cultivating relationships, trying new things, giving love, eating what I want/when I want and not feeling guilty for it, going on adventures; living with a full heart instead of with one that skips beats from constant anxiety and fear.

Today I love the girl in the picture. I think she is a beautiful, creative, adventurous soul. I think she is worthy of love and friendship, and I think she is capable of so much more than she has ever given herself credit for.

I know these revelations may just be part of the “hot” and there may be another “cold” in my future, but for today and for as long as I can hold on:

PEACE OUT EATING DISORDER!

13 thoughts on “A Future Where I Am, Well, ME.

  1. You go girlie. You are stunning inside and out, and with that attitude, I really believe your time is now… Your are an inspiration x

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  2. OMG I remember being at your exact point in recovery – get excited, I think you are about to blossom into your amazing self and never look back! You look beautiful in that photo; although it’s foreign for us it’s important to remember that healthy toned muscles and a glowing smile are so much more attractive to the rest of the world than hollow eyes and dead skin covering boniness…. Thanks for your words anyway I really needed to hear them today – especially about wanting to be the healthy role-model (I literally just got told by a patient that I have “that pregnancy puffy-face thing going on” – talk about a blow to the confidence at 7:30 in the morning! But I will rise above that and embrace my well-rounded pregnancy body, or give it a good shot anyway haha). So thank you 🙂

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    1. It always amazes what people think is acceptable to tell other people in regards to others’ bodies. I’m glad you found strength to rise above it:) Thank you so much for your kind words!

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  3. I love this. I just really love this. I read the whole post, and then read it again because it is really inspiring, and has challenged me in the ways I think. Thank you for posting this. 🙂

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  4. Gosh what a lovely, lovely way to view things. When people can look at their positives as something other than body parts or sizes that is the best. After all why is being a small size or a visible bone even a patch on the beautiful, adventurous girl you can see! x

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  5. I am so inspired by this, and comforted by this, because you’ve been stunningly honest enough lately to reveal your recent struggles (ones I can relate to, so perhaps I am a bit self-serving in my praise) and this post shows that you do sometimes have a tiny bit of relief. It’s a kick-ass sentiment you’ve shared here, and I am going to hop on that wave if you don’t mind. Also, controversial or not, as it doesn’t really matter in the end since you are stunning inside and that’s most important, you are amazingly stunning on the outside as well! I know you may not be able to absorb that. But this is a fantastic first step. Much love.

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