This picture was taken in Mykonos, Greece, this past summer. When I initially saw it, I thought I was unacceptably gigantic. I’m still having trouble seeing anything but arms that are way too big and thighs that should be cut in half, but I’m going to practice.
A recent but very inspiring and awesome friend, Kaila, and I were having coffee yesterday. In the middle of a story I was telling she said, “I’ve noticed you put yourself down a lot…” It kind of took me by surprise because I wasn’t really aware I was doing it at the time. I do minimize just about everything ED-related because I don’t feel worthy of compassion regarding any of it. This was my inspiration for this post (thank you my lovely friend!).
If I were talking to a friend who was saying the same exact harsh words in regards to herself, I would react with kindness and compassion. I would wish she could see what I see. I would want to tell her she is radiant, intelligent, beautiful, and amazing.
Without drastic measures, I will never, ever be a size 0. Or 1, 2, or 3. Pretty much everything in this life is more important than the number on the scale, your clothing size, a thigh gap, how many ribs you can count, or how far your hip bones jut out. Today, I am accepting the body I have now, and am grateful for it. It’s allowing me to get through a half marathon on Saturday. It will one day (hopefully soon) be a vessel to produce offspring. It allows me to have a conversation over coffee and be present. It is strong and able to do things I really value, like travel to Greece and do things that make me happy (ie. randomly striking a very bad tree pose).
I know very few women who say kind things out loud about their bodies. I want to be that person. I would so much rather be a role model of healthy body image than participating in the usual body-shaming that happens all the time in groups of females–disordered eaters or not. It’s hard not to participate, I’ve rarely had success because I fat-shame myself in my head all day long–it’s the easy thing to do.
I have been rather hot and cold the past few months about wanting to have this ED so far behind me and wanting it back worse (better?) than ever before. I’ve had more lapses than I’d like to admit, but I’ve also come back from them stronger than before. I want more than ever to be myself and not this disorder. I think hanging on to its remnants from my teens/early twenties is one giant waste of time. I want to spend my time cultivating relationships, trying new things, giving love, eating what I want/when I want and not feeling guilty for it, going on adventures; living with a full heart instead of with one that skips beats from constant anxiety and fear.
Today I love the girl in the picture. I think she is a beautiful, creative, adventurous soul. I think she is worthy of love and friendship, and I think she is capable of so much more than she has ever given herself credit for.
I know these revelations may just be part of the “hot” and there may be another “cold” in my future, but for today and for as long as I can hold on:
PEACE OUT EATING DISORDER!