What landed me in therapy in the first place was the fact my husband and very close friend strongly suggested I go. I didn’t go right away. I thought (or at least wished) they were over reacting, and that all of this would go away on its own. I could just make everyone believe it went away, like magic, and like I have done before. It took 6 months for me to come around.

I realize I write frequently as if I own the fact that I have an eating disorder, but the truth is that I have a very difficult time saying those words out loud, let alone applying them to myself in a face-to-face conversation. I constantly tell myself I don’t have an eating disorder, and I am overreacting when I write/think/talk as if I do. Of course, conceptually I fully understand size doesn’t necessarily matter, but I clung to the excuse that I would think about going to therapy when I got down to my lowest weight. The problem is that it never feels like enough. I weigh 15 more pounds than I did when I probably should have sought help initially, and I was feeling like a huge pile of failure.

So today, out of frustration and a need for validation, I asked: “Do I even have an eating disorder?” And the response–thank God–was overwhelmingly: YES.

I practiced telling myself for so many years that I don’t qualify in any way, and that I, and others, are crazy for even suggesting I might have an eating disorder. Hearing her response back caused instant relief. I felt like I had been holding my breath underwater, approaching the limit where you pass out or get air, and I was finally able to breathe. I’m crazy but not so crazy that I came to therapy for an eating disorder when I didn’t even have one. 

Validation, check.

Next step: make friends in this new city so I’m not always alone, thinking about this all. the. time.  RVA, anyone? 😉

5 thoughts on “Needing Validation

      1. No, I don’t. I just follow a bunch, haha. I saw yours off Kaila’s, whom I know in real life. I’m 25 and live in the Fan. I’m actually headed to treatment the week after next probably, but maybe we can meet up whenever I’m back. You sound like you’re doing pretty well!

        Liked by 1 person

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