That’s the thing about being average–it’s akin to being invisible. If your struggle is completely in your head, because you’ve somehow managed to at least not be completely ridiculous anymore (ie. no purging, not severely restricting), no one can tell when you’re not doing well.

I have always appreciated this because there is so much embarrassment surrounding my eating disorder. No one has to know and I can stay stuck for forever. I can walk all of the fine lines and no one thinks to ask, no one is alarmed, I can freely use this horrible coping mechanism whenever I want to. Alas, it is poorly affecting my life and I am finally ready to work on letting it go.

For the first time in 7 years, I’ve asked for help. Real help.

Now, in every spare second, I taunt myself with; you’re not sick enough, you need to lose more weight first, you don’t even qualify for help- what’s wrong with you!?

I want nothing more than to be recovered but letting go is most awful. It’s frightening and truthfully, I don’t have a clue what will take up that space. I don’t think about a lot of other things besides food and calories and weight and exercise and running and how much I loath myself for thinking about all of these things in the first place, all of the time.

So if that is gone, then what?

3 thoughts on “No One Can See

  1. Well, in my case, once the all encompassing obsessions with weight and food subside the real feelings and emotions surface. It’s kind of confusing. I think the ed stuff is worse as it seems relentless and as if it will last forever. The trauma issues I think will have an end…and hopefully the ed leaves as the trauma(s) resolves.
    A really round about way if saying that there is good in letting go. Life without an ed would be awesome. Actually I had a decade free from my ed…got married, finished graduate school, had two healthy babies, a job I love…average, yup! But all good. Next, when I get better I want to jump out of a plane, do a mud run, complete a half marathon, play the cello…and I don’t know what else!!
    I’m sure your list of then what is far more above average mine. You will get there.
    Keep reaching out and remember to accept the help!
    ❤ ❤

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  2. Don’t listen to all the dis-qualifiers and mean things echoing in your head! Eating disorders are mental illnesses, and can affect people of all sizes. The important, and really good, thing is that you want to get help and get better. You can do it, you are so much more than your eating disorder, and you deserve so much more than this torture! ❤

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