That’s the thing about being average–it’s akin to being invisible. If your struggle is completely in your head, because you’ve somehow managed to at least not be completely ridiculous anymore (ie. no purging, not severely restricting), no one can tell when you’re not doing well.
I have always appreciated this because there is so much embarrassment surrounding my eating disorder. No one has to know and I can stay stuck for forever. I can walk all of the fine lines and no one thinks to ask, no one is alarmed, I can freely use this horrible coping mechanism whenever I want to. Alas, it is poorly affecting my life and I am finally ready to work on letting it go.
For the first time in 7 years, I’ve asked for help. Real help.
Now, in every spare second, I taunt myself with; you’re not sick enough, you need to lose more weight first, you don’t even qualify for help- what’s wrong with you!?
I want nothing more than to be recovered but letting go is most awful. It’s frightening and truthfully, I don’t have a clue what will take up that space. I don’t think about a lot of other things besides food and calories and weight and exercise and running and how much I loath myself for thinking about all of these things in the first place, all of the time.
So if that is gone, then what?