Once I had an identity as a college runner.
Once I had an identity as a head coach.
Once I had an identity as a director in a sports-related career.
All of these are gone, and I am lost.
It feels like sitting in an empty pool. The surroundings are all the same color, it’s purposeless without water filling it up, and the world keeps moving without you because why on earth are you sitting in an empty pool to begin with? You’re not really sure, but somehow you wound up there and there doesn’t appear to really be a reason to get up.
I want to enjoy this new found freedom from…all things…but it’s a very difficult concept for me to grasp. Having so much room to breathe and not worry and not be so busy and not have to be anywhere for pretty much anything is unfathomable. Yet, here I am immersed in the unfathomable.
And I just want to cling to the one identity that has remained constant among all of this. Oh hey there, eating disorder.