Here, a break from the shadows.

She kept saying; “I love you, do you know that?” I thought I had known, but maybe I hadn’t, because it kept replaying in my head as if I had never heard someone utter those words before.

I didn’t say it back. My track record for saying “I love you” has a very low ratio compared to the amount of times people say it to me. It’s like I would have to stop someone when they say it to clarify before I could possibly respond. You love me? Why? Since when? So sometimes I pretend I don’t hear it. Sometimes I say; ” you too” or circumvent the exact phrase with; “love yah.”

Why is it so difficult? Most of my best friends say this frequently to each other, to me, when they hang up the phone. And every time I am stunned.

For the past sixty days, I have mulled over this whenever I have my thoughts to myself. As much as I love all of the people who say “I love you” to me, when I can’t fathom saying it back; it’s not about them. It’s about not wanting to be loved so I can self destruct.

Saying it back means accepting love. And when I accept it, the burning desire to be unhealthy is almost completely extinguished.

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