February 9, 2014. Challenge accepted, I thought, after I heard for the 2nd time in two days that I needed help. I can do this on my own. I don’t need to sit across from someone and talk about my feelings. I canceled the counseling appointment I had made and didn’t tell anyone.  I don’t want to cause worry or be presented with anger or disappointment and it was causing more anxiety than I felt was worth it. They said they’re proud of me, I don’t want them to have to take it back. I’ll just show them I am fine, then they will see I can be OK without help. Is that the eating disorder talking?

On Monday, I felt despairingly fat. I felt the only way I would be able to move forward is if I found out for sure that I hadn’t gained an excessive amount of weight. Maybe I should have phoned a friend. Maybe I should have tested out some yoga moves. Maybe I should have done almost anything but what I did, which was step on the scale. I hadn’t really gained weight. But it’s never ok, and this time wasn’t any different. I am so fat. Is that the eating disorder talking?

This week I decided I would become a vegan (except in social situations). I’m merely eating healthy. Cheese, meat, yogurt, eggs, these things are making me fat. Is that the eating disorder talking? 

I feel strong. Is that the eating disorder talking? 

I felt out of control eating anything and trying not to care. Of course I cared. I felt out of control trying to make everything absolutely ok, so no one would have to worry. It works, mostly, to sort of fake it. I didn’t feel so depressed and so anxious. But then, as it always does, I’m only able to let go for a certain amount of time before I start telling myself this isn’t ok–being this free is going to make me fat.

I did this in high school a lot. Whenever things went a bit too far, and people got a bit too worried, I would instantly stop all eating disorder behaviors. Usually, I would also be at least a little worried about myself as well, and so I would actually and honestly turn things around. It never lasted long before faking being healthy overtook actually being healthy. And so the cycle continues.

Honestly, what female hasn’t felt bad about too many cupcakes or the number on the scale. Who hasn’t put themselves on a diet. And, who hasn’t felt nervous or anxious about meeting someone for the first time, going to a new appointment, or telling a very personal story to someone new? Probably everyone has chickened out at some time in their lives. So maybe I’m just reaching normal. I weigh a perfectly normal weight. I have a perfectly normal BMI. I have normal fears and anxieties and moments of depression. I am so average it’s beyond boring.

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