The very first thing that happens when I feel overwhelmed is that I stop thinking about whatever is causing the insurmountable stress, and immediately tell myself I am fat. I immediately start to criticize every centimeter of my body.

This time, I know that I will completely crumble if I step on the scale, if I don’t eat enough, if I do anything that is not looking after my body in a healthy way.

But it’s so hard. And so today, when it was all said and done and the week was finally over, and every one was gone; I cried. I cried because I want to succeed and all of my go-to coping mechanisms are very poor ones. It was the only thing left to do after I decided I couldn’t do any of the other things. And that in itself was also frustrating. 

The last thing I need is to sabotage my chances of survival among the wolves by taking away my energy source. And it’s the first thing I want to do. How fucked up is that?


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