I woke up this morning at exactly 5:04am. That is when the self-barraging thoughts started, and would not allow me to go back to sleep like I so desperately wanted. Finally, I got up and watched television on the couch until almost 11am. It didn’t feel safe to move. Yesterday, I went shopping for house guests, and the amount and variety of food currently in the house is significantly greater than what has been the norm for the last 4 months. The holidays haven’t been quite this hard for me in a few years. This year the anxiety I am feeling over food and my body is so intense sometimes I don’t feel like I have any other options except to stay in bed and wait for it to hopefully pass. I am truly concerned that I have gained weight and am struggling immensely with not finding out. I just know the second I know what the number is I will be so miserable and not able to enjoy my family and friends this week.
I’m scared when I pick my brother up, who hasn’t seen me in a year and a half, he will think I have let myself go.
To get through today, I’m writing a gratitude list. Maybe reminding myself of how much I have to be grateful for will allow me to be a little bit kinder to myself.
Today I am thankful for…
My husband’s kindness, understanding, patience, and unwavering love.
The family and friends I will see this week.
Extremely supportive friends, who know what’s going on.
A body that allows me to run long distances.
Parents who love me so much.
Caring and protective in-laws.
Warm drinks in big mugs.
The scent of pine in candle form.
My sweet, playful dog.
The ability to travel and live overseas.