What I feel and what I say are often opposing. What I think and what I do are often opposite.

A constant paradox.

I want support but not too much support. What does that even mean? It’s like saying I want hand-picked attention, but only when I feel like having attention.

I love attention. But only good attention. I want to be invisible unless I’m receiving accolades.

Everything is put together, yet it’s not. When it’s not, I don’t want anyone to know. When it is, I want everyone to see.

I woke up on Thanksgiving morning at 6am with a sore throat. Of course I did, why would I expect anything different? I practically begged the universe to bring me down on Thanksgiving day so I could selfishly back out of my plans and be miserable at home alone. So I wouldn’t have to deal with food. So I could prevent feeling full.

I seized the opportunity and texted my friends that I was sick and probably wouldn’t make it. And stayed in bed until noon.

Did I make myself sick? Did I dream I was sick? Was this coincidence? What was real?

I checked my temperature. I felt like I had every symptom of a fever.

98.5.

I am delusional. I knew I wasn’t sick. I wanted to be sick. I was tired and anxious and scared and no one seemed to get it. Everyone was so excited about the day, and I wanted to avoid it.

I made it a solid 3 weeks without checking my weight. A lot of things have been significantly better in the past 3 weeks. The less grip it has on my life, the more I want it back in moments of weakness. 

I miss it. What do I do with all this freedom? There’s too much freedom, someone take it back. I can’t live without so many rules. Bad things will happen if this goes on too long. I will definitely gain weight.

Why does it feel like by letting this go, that my life will unravel, when it’s supposed to be exactly the opposite–things should start coming together much better.

If I weighed myself right now, I guarantee I would throw all 3 weeks to the wind.

An unrelenting paradox.

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