I would tell him all the time that I thought I was getting fat. “It’s all in your head!” He’d say. “I think you look great.” I didn’t believe him, but it was just enough voice to overshadow my own illogical thoughts, and stop me from a full blown break down.
I don’t have a strong enough voice to tell myself these things, so every time I’m doing well, I sabotage it because I am fearful that the part of me saying: you are getting out of control fat! What on earth made you think you could behave like this? Cheese? Really? Throw everything away. is true.
I’m pretty sure I have gained weight this week. I’m not ok with that at all. I still haven’t stepped on the scale – now out of shear terror. I’m so anxious about the fact that I think I look massive that I flinch at everything. I am in fight or flight mode at a level that is starting to become disturbing and embarrassing. I simply walked out of a classroom and a kid was in the hallway and I took cover. What the fuck? I tried to make it seem like I was grabbing something, but I’m positive that was an epic fail. Also, my spatial perception of objects around me is pretty much nonexistent. I continue to think I’m about to get hit in the face by things that are several feet above me or away from me.
I am completely at a loss for what’s going on and I truly feel like I have no control over this current state that I’m in. This is some sort of anxiety that is delusional beyond anything I would have ever thought my own mind was capable of.