I’m loved, confused, and sad.

Loved because of the recent outpouring of kindness and understanding I have received from friends and my husband. Confused because no one will really offer what they have been thinking all this time. Did they really know? Did they not have a clue? How do they feel about the whole situation? Sad because I have lost my anonymity, my secrets, my concrete wall.

I’m angry, irritated, and depressed.

Angry because I want to rewind to the point in time yesterday when I made the decision to reach out for support. I knew doing so would create an environment where I would have to constantly own up to eating disorder behavior. Irritated because I have been asked no less than 5 times today if I have eaten lunch or dinner, want to eat lunch or dinner, or want to have lunch or dinner made for me. Fuck, I’m eating already! Depressed because I am still caught in limbo. Despite all of these leaps forward (or rather, fucking sprints forward) I still want to weigh 110 and still hate all of my food decisions.

I feel like I have no actual control over anything. I feel like I can’t truly lie my way out of anything, there’s too many people involved. This is a good thing? If this is all so positive, then why do I feel like my world is falling apart at speeds I cannot keep up with? This many people, this much talk, this much support, has never existed at any other time in any of the last 13 years I have coexisted with an eating disorder. And now it’s all unraveling so fast I want to stop it and return to home base–somewhere that is much safer than all of this unknown.

I want to wrap up all my secrets nicely in a box and bury them where only I can reach them. Where they are safe and cannot be thrown to the wolves or incinerated before my eyes.

One thought on “Exposure

  1. You asked for support! Good job! Hopefully a few of those friends will have the miraculous ability to sort out on their own how best to help you. I have a few of those. They make all the difference in the world! Good luck!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s