I didn’t want to get out of bed because I didn’t want to be tempted by the ever-present and rising feeling of hunger. I had already ingested copious amounts of calories the night before. How could I possibly eat today? So I stayed in bed until 1pm and did not eat anything until 3pm and then ran 5 miles after. 

I can no longer think about anything else. 

How can I even have fun in Spain next weekend? How can I get out of thanksgiving? Fried turkey, no thank you. 

I am totally consumed and obsessed. I cannot even get through a movie, TV show, or book that does not have an eating disorder story. I don’t want anything to do with being social. I don’t even want to run with anyone else, because they will potentially ruin the amount of minutes or miles or pace I am planning on going. I’m going to lose all 2 of my friends unless I tell them what’s going on or figure out how to snap out of this ultra-horrible funk. 

I felt so light on my run today. I also wasn’t sure I was going to make it without passing out. It was not the lack of calorie consumption, it was definitely dehydration. 

Maybe. Probably. 

Is it possible for me to not be so fucking depressed and continue to lose weight? 

I have more support right now than I ever have, why is this getting more difficult? Why am I taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back, over and over and over again? 

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG? 

 

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