Dear Self,

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. Please, for the sake of everyone who loves you, for your health, and for yourself, get your life together.

Sincerely,

Me

I finished reading a book earlier this week where the anorexic girl dies, very suddenly, in the last few pages. I was shocked, but all I could think about was how that could never happen to me. I would never let it get to that point. And then I promptly made plans to only eat 1,000 calories. What is wrong with me?

Yesterday I ate 600 calories until 6pm. Of course I was ravenously hungry. I lost track of how many calories I ended up eating for dinner, I’m trying really hard not to count because I know it had to of put me over my 1,000 goal for the day. I wanted to throw up so badly. I spent the next 3 hours trying to distract myself. I took a walk, I lifted weights, I watched TV…nothing was working. I could not escape the feeling of being so full that something had to be done about it. Finally, I just went to bed.

This morning I’m furious with myself for letting it occupy my night. Sure, I didn’t actually throw up…I really feel like I should be so far past the point of congratulating myself for not purging. This particular behavior has not existed in my life on a regular basis in years. The fact that I’m thinking about it more often as a viable option to control what I am putting in my body is ridiculous and annoying.

Basically, this is how it starts, or ends. I am a pro at restricting until I get home and am alone. I will do this for awhile, then I’ll start overexercising to make up for eating “too much” (a regular amount of) dinner. Then I’ll make a decision to keep restricting or I will…get my shit together.

I’m not losing any weight because I have so many plans. I keep making plans for the weekends which keeps making up for everything I didn’t eat during the week.

I’m going to be healthy today. I feel so out of control, I need some control back. I need to exercise more consistently, and I need to stop putting myself in situations where I can’t eat even if I wanted to (ie. not bringing enough or any lunch to work, not getting enough groceries, etc.).

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