I have been waiting for the perfect time to fall apart for the past fourteen years. In my early teens I could not wait for the day when I would have the freedom to drive anywhere, anytime. I figured more freedom would extend to more privacy and I could engage in any behavior I wanted to. The excuses I would be able to come up with would be endless. Thanks mom, but I ate dinner at Jessica’s house. When that time came, it was indeed easier to get away with lying, but it was not quite enough freedom to allow for a total, secret, breakdown. So I would daydream about college. Surely, there, I would have all the control in the world. I would finally be the thinnest girl in the school. At times, I was allowed the sort of freedom I imagined I would have in college. Times when I denied every friend request to hang out so that I could isolate myself and not have to eat anything. So I could sit alone in my room with my laptop and spend the entire night watching every documentary, movie, and youtube vlog that exhibited eating disorder behavior. I watched them to purposely be triggered and to not feel alone. Times when this freedom provided the opportunity to spiral out of control.
Is it everyone’s inclination to want to be miserable, or just mine?
I never tell anyone what’s going on because I cannot give up a future opportunity to fall apart. To date, the only reason the handful of people who know about this struggle know because at some point on my way down, I decided I didn’t really want to find out what rock bottom looked like, and I knew I would need to tell someone for it to be real. I have to constantly talk about it to stay healthy. At least for right now. Maybe this will change.
Right now is one of those perfect times to fall apart. It has never been more perfect. I have never lived completely alone for this long and been separated by someone, anyone, who knows what’s up by hundreds of miles. I have never been able to sit this long with my own thoughts, uninterrupted. Why would I not take this ideal time to finally and completely fall apart? I could set and reach any goal I wanted to. No one could stop me.
If there is one thing I learned this weekend, it is that I, without a doubt, need to learn how to be ok with being alone before it destroys me. I spent the week prior to Friday completely focused on tearing myself down. And it worked–I was so tired and miserable all week. I wanted nothing to do with being friendly; when I had to be, it took all my energy and despite my best efforts, was still not received the way I was hoping it was. Did you have a rough day? Are you ok?
On Friday though, all these thoughts melted away. I ate pizza and Doritos and didn’t think about getting rid of it or not eating it. I was totally ok with it. Because I wasn’t alone anymore. I was comfortable, not anxious, and even mostly ok with my body. I slept through the night. I was surrounded by people who I believe to honestly care about me and whom I honestly care for. I was having fun and laughing–not pretending to do these things so I will be accepted.
Presently pondering this idea that I allow myself to be free when I feel truly loved and not alone and how I could somehow allow all of those positive things to still exist everyday when I am left with myself.
Maybe attempting to focus on things that I appreciate and that make me happy aside from my incessant and harrowing need for deep understanding through human connections.