Sometimes I’m really great at being positive for other people. I am loyal as fuck. I can listen all day long to everyone else’s stuff, but the second I’m asked how are you doing? I am flabbergasted. Lock-jawed. Silent. Fake. I am not alright. Not at all, not for a second. I am honestly and seriously a total and complete mess. My brain is depleted. My body is confused. I am frustrated. I cannot say any of this out loud. why?
I’m going to bed hungry, and I wanted nothing more than to purge dinner. Something is seriously wrong when I want to purge when I’m not even full. I skipped the freak out stage of being full, and went straight to meltdown mode because I didn’t run today. Because I didn’t follow the plan. The only reason I got through dinner is because I told myself I would get rid of it later. And now I haven’t. I can’t decide if this is a win or a lose. I think it’s a win, but I feel like I’m losing.