I am not really sure, after all, that I can do this. 

I removed the scale from the bathroom so it is a task to weigh myself, and I have not weighed myself since I did that (Saturday, I think?). Despite the positive nature of that action, I feel like that has caused me to constantly wonder if I have suddenly gained weight since then.

Simple things like going grocery shopping and making breakfast (or lunch, or dinner) seem so daunting. I didn’t go grocery shopping for as long as possible. The trip to the grocery was forced because I needed dog food.  I walked in there without a list, which isn’t abnormal, but I had no direction because half of me was saying just get dog food and leave. But the other half was saying no, you need to buy food you will eat. Suddenly being in the grocery store was overwhelming. I felt my temperature rise as World War III went off in my head and I grew increasingly frustrated that I couldn’t just manage to buy groceries like a normal person. 

This doesn’t happen to me often. Even if I am eating 500 calories a day, I know exactly what I’m getting in the grocery store and it’s not an issue. Or, I am shopping for more than one person and this terror doesn’t happen. 

In the same sense, I can’t manage to make anything for dinner other than the same few things. 

Currently, my health is not in jeopardy at all. I had about 3 days of barely eating, and then I removed the scale, and ate like an exceptionally fucking normal person all week. But it was so hard. I sort of want to know when I can stop trying so hard. How much longer do I have to keep a bullet-proof vest on before this war subsides? This seems like a longer time than all the other times.

If the problem is being lonely, that is not going to end for awhile. So then what? Do I have to fight like this for 9 months? It’s so exhausting, I need a cheer squad to get through this. The thought that being thinner will make everything better (even though I am fully aware that it will, in the end, make everything worse) is alluring. 

I just want to grow out of this like everyone thinks I have.


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