Time will keep passing by and I will keep breathing, until I stop. Everything is going to be alright. Every single day is a thousand molecular choices and every choice is a chance to be magnificent. Every minute is an opportunity for anything.
I wanted to disappear. I wanted to disintegrate into thin air and not make any choices, except the one to take up less space in the world.
In the eighth grade, I, along with 2 other students, won an entrepreneurship contest. I created a magazine. That year, I lost all of my friends to cheer and the popular crowd. I had one friend. That year is the first time I attempted to make myself throw up. That year, I did everything that wasn’t cool. I joined cross country. I skipped a level of math. I won entrepreneurship contests.
I never lost myself. Not even in 8th grade. But I have never fully accepted myself.
I want to feel good. I want the by product of that to be that I look good. I will die a slow, devastatingly painful emotional death if I allow the negativity to continue. I have cornered myself in my own berating thoughts to the point where nothing that I do is fun. My thoughts suck all exhilaration from life.
I won that contest, and then thought; it’s not that good. I don’t know why I won. This would never really be published. It’s not real. My picture was in the local newspaper and I felt like a fraud.
I’m not a fraud and I don’t want to die a tragic emotional death.
I want to be alive.