I started this entry off with this in mind: Fuck it. I want to lose every pound of fat on my body. Tomorrow, I’m throwing away everything in the house that’s not a safe food, and I’m going to focus on losing weight so I’m not walking around like a huge cow anymore.

I had set an internal deadline to either A. get help or B. Lose weight by the time the husband leaves. I have done neither. In fact, one might argue I have done exactly the opposite of both. Now, I am in complete meltdown mode, and it is either going to be exposed by throwing up, losing a significant amount of weight, or being an emotional wreck. Possibly all three, or two of the three. I have been trying to fend off all three with a vengeance…

Because I am constantly telling myself I am fine, and don’t need help, here are some logical reasons why I do:

1. I can’t breathe. I have way too much anxiety about everything.

2. I have almost thrown up 3 times in the past 2 weeks.

3. I have planned to severely restrict calorie intake the minute the husband leaves.

4. I am overly concerned and preoccupied with what I weigh.

5. I hate what I weigh despite it being a normal, healthy weight.

6. I want to lose all 26 pounds of body fat that I currently carry.

7. I can’t sleep.

Here are reasons why I don’t think I should get help:

1. I weigh far too much.

2. I can stop/fix this on my own.

3. This major anxiety will pass soon.

4. I am so gigantic.

5. I can’t possibly connect with anyone here/no one will understand/no one is trained here, for this/it’s too expensive

If I just stop thinking about all of this, am I/was I ever in need of help, how can I think positively all the time, etc. then I can easily slip into a what-is-normal-for-me pattern of 1,000 calories a day and exercising a lot and therefore reaching a weight that is not miserably uncomfortable. I know that isn’t super healthy, but I guess I still feel invincible. At least, right now I do. Maybe just the thought of being able to go back to this is comforting enough.

I just want to go back to bed and not deal with anything.

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