Everything feels surreal and unnatural. I’m trying really hard to be present but it’s been strangely difficult.
When things feel fake, it’s easy to dismiss things as real. To clarify; I am outwardly doing a great job of keeping my shit together. But, I break down in an instant as soon as I have a moment to myself. I’ve cried in like every public restroom in the past 2 months, and then walk out like nothing just happened. Who does that? Me. I do. I don’t even know if I know why I’m crying anymore. I already feel removed from not having the husband here (7 more days). I already know I’ll survive. One time in June, I cried so hard that I required a 3 hour nap afterward, but that sort of crying was the kind of crying that almost feels good because it’s so relieving. I’m not gaining any relief from it anymore. I’m just sort of getting angry at myself for crying and then feeling numb and in this surreal space.
My body has another idea of what is going on though. I have the worst constant fight-or-flight pit of anxiety in my stomach which is so bad that I’m getting acid reflux. I can pretty much taste the acid sitting in my throat. I feel full when I haven’t eaten. I feel the most overwhelming need to purge when I have eaten (and I haven’t–it’s just an awful state of panic that ensues).
The only time I can stop all of this is when I’m running.
I have been thinking a lot about two conflicting things: 1. being happy and living life to the fullest and 2. Having cake and eating it too.
Number one is pretty self explanatory. What I mean by number 2 is I think I can lose weight and not have an eating disorder. Logically, that probably doesn’t sound right to anyone who has read any portion of this journal. But I’m living in unreal land right now and it makes perfect sense and seems perfectly reasonable. In this space, there aren’t any consequences and you can do whatever you want and be happy, all at the same time.
My mom told me I looked really skinny in a picture, which is alarming to me because I weigh more now than I did when she was here 2 months ago. That is so weird and confusing. How can I look skinnier and weigh more? I know how, I know it can be muscle, I know this logically. But I can’t stop telling myself it has to be fat gain.