I want to hit it right now. I feel so nauseous, I want to purge right now. I want to run or throw up or anything, something. I feel so sick with new information–this anticipation and up and down deployment going/not going is the absolute worst. THE WORST.

If I go running right now, I will look totally ridiculous. It’s 10:10pm. If I throw up, no one will ever have to know.

I just feel so sick right now.

This is not okay, I am not okay, in this moment, I need help. Tomorrow, I’m sure I will write all of this off as nothing, but right this very second, I am not okay.

When I look back at all the entries I have created in the past 7 years, the times when I was struggling the most were the times I was writing the most (sans in March, when I only wrote a few times, and then admitted that I didn’t even want to write because I just wanted to be sick, and writing was at least attempting to do something about it), and July has seen a record number of entries.