Fuck this.

I want to be free of the monumental torment that is happening in my mind. I want to be 110 pounds and then 105, 100, etc. I want to stop being so anxious all the time. I want to sleep. I want my stomach and my thighs and my arms to not be so huge. I want to not be so weak, emotional, and sensitive.

I abhor the person I am when I am so obsessive. I lose friends, I shut people out, I’m anxious and depressed, I’m anti-social, I’m tired…there are so many things that being like this takes away from my personality. In fact, I am stripped of hardly any personality at all; I am practically lifeless, and it is miserable. I can feel this slowly happening.

WHY, if I am so aware, can I not just say fuck you eating disorder, you’re not worth my time.

I am so afraid of weighing too much, and not being accepted, and being alone. I am even afraid that because I weigh 5 more pounds now than I did when work ended, that when I go back in August, everyone will think I look disgusting. I know that is irrational–but I cannot trust the notion that it is irrational.

I feel so needy, and the small support structure I do have here is disintegrating before my eyes in a matter of weeks which is annoyingly devastating to me. I have never quite felt this needy in my life. I just sort of want to fall apart.

6 thoughts on “Is This What I Want?

  1. I know I’m not even remotely a friend of yours since we’ve only just started talking occasionally.. but what if I told you that you deserve to be free? What if I told you that you don’t have to feel this miserable and frustrated with your life and your self every minute of the day and every hour of the night? I want to tell you that you deserve treatment and people who take good care of you.. we all deserve that. I think we might not consider ourselves as physically ill enough, but I think you’d have to agree with me that – despite our distortion of perception – we are in fact mentally ill. And that alone should be indication enough to get help.

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    1. That makes me pretty uncomfortable, that is, owning the words, “mentally ill.” My immediate reaction was NO! I am not mentally ill……..and maybe therein lies the problem.

      And, for the record, your advice is sound and I think you know you should take your own advice 😉

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      1. I’m indeed aware of the fact that I should take my own advice – and I’ve actually been contemplating it, too – but I just wanted to tell you those things because I feel like no one ever really has. I think people with EDs have lost track of what’s going on in the world around them, as well as what’s going on inside of them; one can call that ‘mentally ill’ or not.. I didn’t mean to offend you or anything. . but as soon as someone loses touch with reality it does deserve being taken care of..

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      2. Yeah, I agree. I really enjoy your insight. Thanks for continuing to read/comment. No worries – you didn’t offend me, it’s just scary!

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  2. Thank you; you’re really nice. I think it might be of great help to have someone who you could talk to whenever you need, even if that person’s located somewhere else in the world (though I don’t know where you’re from xD), or maybe especially if that person’s someplace else – maybe that makes it easier. I want to offer you to talk to me in case you don’t have anyone around who understands what you’ve been going through for so/too long.

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