I want to be free of the monumental torment that is happening in my mind. I want to be 110 pounds and then 105, 100, etc. I want to stop being so anxious all the time. I want to sleep. I want my stomach and my thighs and my arms to not be so huge. I want to not be so weak, emotional, and sensitive.
I abhor the person I am when I am so obsessive. I lose friends, I shut people out, I’m anxious and depressed, I’m anti-social, I’m tired…there are so many things that being like this takes away from my personality. In fact, I am stripped of hardly any personality at all; I am practically lifeless, and it is miserable. I can feel this slowly happening.
WHY, if I am so aware, can I not just say fuck you eating disorder, you’re not worth my time.
I am so afraid of weighing too much, and not being accepted, and being alone. I am even afraid that because I weigh 5 more pounds now than I did when work ended, that when I go back in August, everyone will think I look disgusting. I know that is irrational–but I cannot trust the notion that it is irrational.
I feel so needy, and the small support structure I do have here is disintegrating before my eyes in a matter of weeks which is annoyingly devastating to me. I have never quite felt this needy in my life. I just sort of want to fall apart.