Fuck this.

I want to be free of the monumental torment that is happening in my mind. I want to be 110 pounds and then 105, 100, etc. I want to stop being so anxious all the time. I want to sleep. I want my stomach and my thighs and my arms to not be so huge. I want to not be so weak, emotional, and sensitive.

I abhor the person I am when I am so obsessive. I lose friends, I shut people out, I’m anxious and depressed, I’m anti-social, I’m tired…there are so many things that being like this takes away from my personality. In fact, I am stripped of hardly any personality at all; I am practically lifeless, and it is miserable. I can feel this slowly happening.

WHY, if I am so aware, can I not just say fuck you eating disorder, you’re not worth my time.

I am so afraid of weighing too much, and not being accepted, and being alone. I am even afraid that because I weigh 5 more pounds now than I did when work ended, that when I go back in August, everyone will think I look disgusting. I know that is irrational–but I cannot trust the notion that it is irrational.

I feel so needy, and the small support structure I do have here is disintegrating before my eyes in a matter of weeks which is annoyingly devastating to me. I have never quite felt this needy in my life. I just sort of want to fall apart.

6 thoughts on “Is This What I Want?

  1. I know I’m not even remotely a friend of yours since we’ve only just started talking occasionally.. but what if I told you that you deserve to be free? What if I told you that you don’t have to feel this miserable and frustrated with your life and your self every minute of the day and every hour of the night? I want to tell you that you deserve treatment and people who take good care of you.. we all deserve that. I think we might not consider ourselves as physically ill enough, but I think you’d have to agree with me that – despite our distortion of perception – we are in fact mentally ill. And that alone should be indication enough to get help.


    1. That makes me pretty uncomfortable, that is, owning the words, “mentally ill.” My immediate reaction was NO! I am not mentally ill……..and maybe therein lies the problem.

      And, for the record, your advice is sound and I think you know you should take your own advice 😉


      1. I’m indeed aware of the fact that I should take my own advice – and I’ve actually been contemplating it, too – but I just wanted to tell you those things because I feel like no one ever really has. I think people with EDs have lost track of what’s going on in the world around them, as well as what’s going on inside of them; one can call that ‘mentally ill’ or not.. I didn’t mean to offend you or anything. . but as soon as someone loses touch with reality it does deserve being taken care of..


      2. Yeah, I agree. I really enjoy your insight. Thanks for continuing to read/comment. No worries – you didn’t offend me, it’s just scary!


  2. Thank you; you’re really nice. I think it might be of great help to have someone who you could talk to whenever you need, even if that person’s located somewhere else in the world (though I don’t know where you’re from xD), or maybe especially if that person’s someplace else – maybe that makes it easier. I want to offer you to talk to me in case you don’t have anyone around who understands what you’ve been going through for so/too long.


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