I have done the exercise before where you name three things you like about your body. While I was running today, I thought about that and how I remember being able to come up with 2 things, but not a third. I said I liked my eyes and calves. Now I’m down to one thing, because I suppose I still like my eyes. I can’t think of anything else I like.
I’m starting to feel like I can’t eat unless I run.
Yesterday I ran 3 miles with some friends, and then ate dinner. And then decided I ate too much dinner and went and ran 5 miles at 9pm. This morning I ran 5 more miles. So I’m at 13 miles in 17 hours. Is it really a big deal? I know plenty of people who run that much. Very few people who know me would think twice about it. That’s what runners do…run…a lot.
I couldn’t help but feel frustrated though, that I only went running at 9pm last night because I felt uncomfortable with dinner. And that is what makes it not ok. I get it, I get it. This morning was pretty much a continuation of last night. Although I had planned on running 5 miles, I was so tired that I decided I could stop at 4. Well, I looked at my watch and it said 4.07–I had looked just a minute too late–and couldn’t bring myself to stop, suddenly I had to go 5.
There are so many rules.
What’s more confusing is that I can successfully let the rules go when I am with people. I don’t know if it’s because I fear they won’t approve–but even when I am with friends who know these quirks about me, I can usually still let it go, if necessary.
On Friday night I was at dinner and everyone had ordered. I didn’t, because I started to panic. I was so hungry, but earlier in the day I had negotiated with myself that I would only eat salad. But that’s not what I wanted. I didn’t have a CLUE what the other 3 were even talking about because this was happening in my head:
Me: Hooray, dinner, I’m so hungry.
ED: You can only have salad.
Me: But I’m so, so hungry.
ED: You didn’t run enough today to have anything else.
Me: Salad doesn’t even sound good right now. I have salad all the time.
ED: Everything on this menu is bad for you. You’re going to gain even more weight.
Me: Everyone is going to be annoyed soon if I don’t pick something to eat. Just pick something.
ED: Yup, pick something and get fat.
Me: I’m already fat, so fuck it.
And then I ordered the same thing as someone else in the group so I didn’t have to think about it anymore and immediately got up to use the restroom purely to get away from the situation for a minute.
I’ve already stepped on the scale twice today.
I know that all these things I am doing and thinking (but mostly thinking) are not healthy. I can’t decide what is more exhausting, fighting all these thoughts and trying to behave like a normal person or giving in and following 1 million rules I have made for myself.
If I am completely honest with myself; all of this is like preparation to give in as soon as everyone is gone. It’s almost as if I have created this so that when I’m alone, there will be a good reason for it. It’s almost impossible to not eat all day long if you have close family and friends with you all day long. In August they will all be gone, and I will be here alone. And instead of being sad, I’ll be skinny.