If I were going to symbolically draw my mind, I would draw a deeply overgrown wooded forest with no paths. The moment you enter, you are lost. There is no GPS, no compass, no cell phone, no one else there to help navigate. It is impossible to escape, no matter how much determination you have. The forest will suck you in and never let go. You can pretend to be ok with the notion that you will be there, alone, trapped in the forest for a lifetime. But after awhile you will realize the forest is bigger than you are and it will slowly start to eat away at the once-powerful motivation you thought you had.
It’s terrifying to realize that you are living a spectacular life, but not be able to exist presently in said life because you are lost somewhere deep down in your treacherous forest mind. I am not even sure what is really in the tangled mess, it just seems like an enormous amount of chaos that does not belong anywhere. There are no severely traumatic experiences that have been repressed, or even exist. I have no valid reason to think like this.
I couldn’t sleep the other night because I couldn’t answer the question: What is the point? I asked myself 500 times. My heart was racing so fast, I could feel the blood pumping through my veins, my brain working to desperately come up with a satisfactory answer. From 11pm until 3am, until my mind finally gave up and settled for figuring it out some other time. I don’t deserve to have thoughts like that. There isn’t anything wrong. Why am I asking myself questions like that? How can I possibly be so ungrateful to life?
This morning when I woke up I decided I wouldn’t eat today.
I weigh the most I have ever weighed in my life. I am so fat. My clothes don’t fit me anymore. I only feel comfortable in workout clothes and baggy shirts. I am massive. I ran 40 miles in the last 7 days, and the scale went UP. I practically weigh 128. My March-112-pound-self would have puked on the spot just thinking about weighing that much. I tried to console myself by saying that it must be muscle weight. I cannot truly buy into that, though. The number on the scale is so powerful that it gives or takes away my self esteem and confidence in a matter of seconds. One Two Eight, please go away.