It happens when I am lonely. It happened when he left in October. And in March. And it will happen when he deploys. I lost 10 pounds in nearly 2 weeks, and came halfway to my senses yesterday; I am horrified of gaining the weight back just as quickly. Now I am in this uncomfortable space where the logical, healthful me knows I cannot keep this up for long without a myriad of consequences, but the eating disordered me wants to weigh 105 pounds and does not care how I get there.

Nobody verbalized notice of my sudden weight loss, leading me to believe that it was not noticeable, or that I in fact needed to lose that weight. How much do I need to lose before it is noticeable?  When he came home I did not tell him about my 10 pound loss, I waited a week. He never said anything. I finally told him after becoming quickly intoxicated (3 beers on 500 calories, not the wisest decision I ever made) and his response was, “you look really great!” Fail. No sliver of concern. No projection of worry. Clearly, I needed to lose that weight. How much more do I need to lose?

Why am I still caught in this when I’m no longer lonely? I’m starting to think the impending loneliness that will exist from July to March is already weighing on me. This is my life, I SIGNED UP FOR THIS, I will be lonely until he retires. There is no certain deadline. I cannot be like this for an unknown amount of time.

Something I experienced this past March was a high from restricting. Honestly, I do not remember having that feeling so strongly before. I could not even sleep through the night (I slept 4 hours most nights) and upon waking up, after recalling what I weighed the previous day, everything I ate, and what I did for exercise, I would be wide awake. I was (am) so anxious that I had to get up and weigh myself, and then plan what I would eat, how much I would exercise, etc. It is occupying 90% of my thoughts throughout the day. I can’t think about anything else. I am so crazy.

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