I keep telling myself, just ten pounds. I will be happier if I lose ten pounds. I will look better if I lose just ten pounds. How hard can that be? At 2 pounds/week, it should only take 5 weeks. Why is it so difficult for me?

I am fat. I feel huge. My stomach is disgusting. I am embarrassed to call myself a runner. I do not look anything like a runner. Completely disgraceful.

I absolutely have to lose ten pounds by the time husband comes back. I am so fearful of gaining weight and looking different than I did when he left. Fuck it, you know I am really stressed. I am living in a fucking foreign country by myself. With a puppy. Who needs a lot of attention and keeps getting into trouble (think: Marley and Me). I am getting my master’s degree and working and constantly converting miles to kilometers in my head. I lifted a fucking dining room table down into the basement almost entirely by myself, until my landlord saw me and helped with the last bit. I just want my best friend to talk to. In person. I want active listening. I want to hold my husbands hand. I want my husband to hug me. And kiss me. And fall asleep with me.

It’s such a game to keep telling people how great I am doing and oh yes, I am getting A’s on my papers. Work? Oh it’s lovely! It has it’s perks. Yes, the puppy is wonderful! The house is great! Germany is awesome! Blah. It’s not that those things are lies, but it’s not what it seems.

It’s fucking hard and I just want to lose ten pounds. Why can’t I do that? Why? Why am I so weak? How hard is it to eat salad for dinner every night? It’s really not difficult. Yet, I cannot seem to gather enough willpower to avoid bad foods and spend hours working out. Things have got to change.

One thought on “Just ten pounds

  1. As long as you’re healthy and in good physical condition, there’s no reason to worry so much about your weight. I’m a teenage girl and I’ve struggled with my body image for over five years. I tried everything from starving myself, to eating barely anything then throwing it up, to being vegan, to being vegetarian. I was causing harm to my body without realizing it. I would randomly black out, or get dizzy, or completely pass out. There were a few times when I came close to falling down flights of stairs because of dizziness. After I passed out on my friend’s kitchen floor, I knew I needed to treat my body right. I still struggle with my weight, and I hate the way my body looks, but I work out every day, eat healthy foods, and my boyfriend always tells me that he loves my body no matter what I think. And once you get over stressing about your weight, you start feeling better and you feel like so much stress is lifted off of your shoulders.

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