I can’t stop being stressed. Aside from the fact that my life is this amazing, wonderful adventure, let’s be real.
I am homesick.
Before deployment was in front of my face, I envisioned myself as this strong, supportive, independent wife, travelling and continuing on with life here as if hardly anything was different.
Now, I am completely terrified.
It might have something to do with my not being able to speak the language of the country I am residing in, or that I have yet to drive on the roads (though I did pass the driver’s license test), or that it’s so cloudy and snowy and cold that I can’t even picture myself getting out of bed sometimes.
I keep telling myself this is a fun adventure…but fuck. It would have been nice to have been able to live with my husband for a few months before he left.
My mind is in a million places. It’s so much easier to think of one thing when that happens. I have found myself daydreaming of what I am not going to eat a lot lately. I’ve talked myself out of purging, with ease, but the thoughts are increasing with number and I am so stressed and fearful of him getting hurt while he’s deployed that I keep swallowing those thoughts and focusing on my body instead. I want a preoccupation and nothing works as well numbers associated with weight.
Now, my confident is busy navigating his job, crossing T’s and dotting i’s before he takes off…and I’ve sort of lost my sound board. So…here I am, again, writing away.
And, I guess, there isn’t really a place for this conversation with anyone. Who here is going to understand that I am on the brink of relapse in part because of stress brought on because my husband is going off to proudly do his job for 6 months? It feels really selfish. I couldn’t ever let anyone in on that.