I don’t have the kind of control I used to have. Why can’t I do it? I used to be able to go 30 hours without food. Now I can’t last more than 5 hours. I used to have competitions with myself, how long I could go without eating. And every time i made it one hour farther, I was elated. Now if I were to try to do that, I would fail.The thought happens, and I agree to the competition with myself, but then I lose.

I’m really not a big fan of losing. Or failing. At all.

I can’t win any arguments. If I say fuck it, and refuse to care about what I eat or how much I exercise, I panic. I have panicked so much lately–in the past few months. Usually in a restaurant, where, I will have tried to pre-decide what I will have and be OK with it, but then something or someone changes this (restaurant is out of the specific food, or everyone I am with decides to order dinner and I would feel silly just ordering a drink…). I panicked pretty bad over the weekend at a really nice restaurant. It was German food. I pre-planned to oder an appetizer and a drink. But everyone was ordering complete dinners and all of a sudden I became really self conscious with my pre-plan. So, I panicked. So bad that I am pretty certain fiance was incredibly annoyed with me. Which made me panic more because I was thinking; just fucking pick something, why is this so difficult for you. And I kept saying it over and over and nothing was looking good and I didn’t want anyone to think I didn’t like German food, since we are moving there in December. I also didn’t want to spend (or for anyone to spend) $20+ on a meal that I knew I wouldn’t eat enough of. So, panic ensued. I finally picked something pretty much as the waitress was coming back to take our orders. I was able to let it go once I got the food, although I wasted about half of it (granted it was a lot and I was full) and I felt ridiculous for having been a head case the entire afternoon leading up to the dinner. Not that is was obvious to anyone at anytime except probably to the fiance once we got to the restaurant. But it’s just so frustrating.

It’s probably a good thing…all of this…because at least the process is:
1. Conflict
2. panic
3. realize it’s stupid
4. solution

Where before it was
1. conflict
2. panic, panic, panic
3. freak completely out
4. action: not eat anything at all or get rid of it soon after

But it seems like these panic situations are never ever ever ever ever ever going to go away. Ever.

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