Every time I begin to write about anything weight related, I backspace it until there is nothing left but a blank white screen. Every sentence I create seems so trivial. I read what I have written and think this is so annoying.
But I still want to write about. I guess, I don’t want to be judged. Or worse, watched like a hawk. If I were going to be brutally honest, I would write about all the thoughts I have been having this week (probably due to an extended period of down time where I directed my normally otherwise occupied attention to my body).
There are a myriad of events where I am going to be in some sort of dressy attire–particularly wanting to look good. 100th night, fiance’s graduation, bachelorette party night, rehearsal dinner, the actual wedding, the honeymoon…not to mention, spring and summer are coming and bikini season. I don’t even think I have legitimately gained weight. It’s possible I have gained one pound. Right, ridiculous. I got so worked up over it this week I started to doubt my wedding dress. I was afraid I would look bad in it. Fat, in particular.
I have eaten 1,200 calories so far today. It’s 6:15pm. I think that’s pretty normal. I ran 2.5 miles, and lifted upper and lower body. Also, normal.
I am currently contemplating not eating dinner. Pro: eating 1,200 calories is approximately the amount of calories I need to survive on a daily basis if I were sedentary. So since I am not sedentary, 1,200 calories is probably an amount that would cause me to lose weight if I kept it up. Con: I will be hungry, likely bitchy, and there is a potential for over-eating due to giving in and being too hungry.
I don’t want to be 90 pounds of bone and skin. I want to look good and not have flab. I want a flat stomach and toned upper legs and arms. get there get there get there…