I can’t help but wish I was the beautiful, thin, tiny, tan essentially perfect girl you’re looking at right now.
Not because I think you’re more interested in them than me, but because I have the worst self esteem on the face of the earth. I like to pretend I don’t. I really try very, very, very hard to not be like this. It’s really a hard task for me. But damnitt, I try. Everyday I look at myself in the mirror, the metro bus window, the bathroom mirror, the shop window…I hate myself and then try to overcome it and convince myself that I’m perfectly fine, I look good, I’m over this, it’s all fine.
Sometimes it’s so overpowering–and this has been building up in my head for awhile now–I just have to write about it (and since I’m not any good at talking about it), I can’t pretend here.
I just…feel fat. Huge, rather. My stomach is gigantic. I’ve gained a few (more) pounds. I look hideous. Maybe I’m insane. But it doesn’t matter, because what I see is what I believe. I feel like I’m not in my own body and I don’t see how this happened but it did happen and I’ve absolutely got to fix it fast.
I hate the SECOND that I became like this. I’m unable to exactly pinpoint it, but somewhere around the age of twelve. I would do anything to go back and turn that thought, incident, day, week….comment..whatever it was around. Anything.
I thought about throwing up a lot this week and last. I never did. But I thought it about like I used to think about it. I thought about it like it was my job. I did things I used to do. Old habits. They just came, what felt like out of nowhere, creeping in slowly, over time.
I panicked a few times, even. I’d be doing anything and then, all of a sudden, I’d frantically get nervous and wish I wasn’t in sight of any human being.
I worry if you know, you’ll think I’m weak. Because I guess I am? But I try not to be so bad and I’d highly prefer no one thought of me as weak. Especially those I love most and who I don’t want to worry.
I don’t know where all this is coming from. I don’t think it has to do with anything in particular. I just suck at winning sometimes.