My thoughts sink in a sea of unrealistic fears. The word unrealistic, though, really eats me up inside. Who is to say what is realistic and what is not? The answer to that is: the individual to which the thoughts belong too. If I decide what is realistic for myself, how do I know, if it is normal? Speaking of which, what the hell is normal? Doesn’t every girl in the United States want to lose a few pounds? Maybe not but I bet it is a huge majority and I also would bet that a majority of those girls also are stuck with trying to decide what is real, and what is not. How does everyone else perceive me? Because I think I am overweight, or over-fat or not thin like Suzy, does that mean I am actually these things? No, not necessarily. But how do you know? And how, if you are stuck in this thought process, how do you get out of it? How do you decide, ok, I may think I am huge, but (in actuality) I am not.
And then they (those PhD’s and PsyD’s) say, it’s not about fat or food or your body at all!
That’s when I laugh.
Partly because in some way I think they are right. Some part of my own intellect says, yes, yes they are right. And part of me (what part, I have not figured out) says: bull shit.
My life is not like the after-school Lifetime special TV movie. I wasn’t an abandoned child or a victim of an outrageous tragedy. And problems aren’t fixed in 80 minutes. So again, what is real? Where does one learn that in this world?
Underneath all of that lies the biggest fear of all time: to not be loved. Who is going to stop loving me? No one, surely. Reality? It is the same questions, how do you know it won’t end? I certainly cannot control anyone else but myself and even less; someone’s feelings, especially love. What is unconditional love? Can it end? It is no ones obligation to love me forever. Not even my mother or father. Take that concept in and tell me you are not the least bit afraid. Not that I live like this, no i definitely do not. But sometimes, in the onion layers of fears that slowly peel away in despair or stress, it is a thought.