I can’t sleep. My mind is going insane. I’m worried about money. I have anxiety about asking my dad to borrow money. I leave for Europe in 2 days. I have no money….to eat. Literally. Everything else is pretty much taken care of, but I have nothing left to actually eat with. To which, I say to myself, amidst all of this sudden anxiety, “well good. You don’t need to eat anyway.” Which is funny. Because the previous entry before this would suggest I would not be thinking these things.
I am so freaking worried about money right now….
AND MY REACTION IS TO START THINKING ABOUT LOSING WEIGHT AND TELL MYSELF I’M FAT.
Which is also funny. Alright, I have to laugh because otherwise I’ll cry. I can’t get over how well I trained myself to deal with things this way. It is really something to be admired. At one point in my life, I had such dedication to the campaign of being thin that I literally have seemingly permanently trained myself to belittle myself and focus on getting rid of fat upon any amount of stress, anxiety, or basically, any emotion at all. Well done!
Surely that does not help anything. What it does do is create so much more anxiety that pretty soon all I can do is focus on the ever powerful voice that says; you’re fat! What a perfect little scheme to bury other unwanted thoughts.
All I want to do right now is sleep, but I managed to raise my blood pressure up so high I can feel my heart beating faster. I’m trying to just breathe but my brain is not up for cooperating. This must sound outrageously ridiculous to everyone in the world except me.
At least I feel a little better after writing it all down.