I am. The thought crossed my mind last night. And this morning. I didn’t…but I want a fast solution. I’m panicking a little bit. I cannot believe how huge I am. When was it ok for me to be like this? Never. I’m panicking a lot actually. The kind of panic that makes a girl do irrational things. But I can’t help it, I can’t stand myself. I imagine I weigh far beyond what is acceptable. This never would have happened had I still been on the team. I would be sitting pretty around 110. Yes, I would have. I can’t believe I can’t believe. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything or think about anything accept getting rid of all this excess.

I have sort of been ok lately with weighing a little bit ( fuck, a lot) more than normal, but I was crazy until this morning when i fucking WOKE UP and realized I had let myself go. This is such an awful feeling. I hate this i hate this i hate this. fuckkkkkkkk.

I am so disgusting. Unbelievably.

One thought on “Fat.

  1. It is normal, to have body dismorphic disorder. Don’t be so hard on yourself when you’re thinking about “how huge you are”.

    Of course I kinda now how it feels. You try to reason, but it seems like it doesn’t work. I suffer from depression, and when I have a relapse I think I’m the worst thing in the world, and the world is the worst thing in the universe, and no matter how much I am concious that it is just my mind being abnormally obsessed, it keeps on happening. It sucks.



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