I am. The thought crossed my mind last night. And this morning. I didn’t…but I want a fast solution. I’m panicking a little bit. I cannot believe how huge I am. When was it ok for me to be like this? Never. I’m panicking a lot actually. The kind of panic that makes a girl do irrational things. But I can’t help it, I can’t stand myself. I imagine I weigh far beyond what is acceptable. This never would have happened had I still been on the team. I would be sitting pretty around 110. Yes, I would have. I can’t believe I can’t believe. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything or think about anything accept getting rid of all this excess.
I have sort of been ok lately with weighing a little bit ( fuck, a lot) more than normal, but I was crazy until this morning when i fucking WOKE UP and realized I had let myself go. This is such an awful feeling. I hate this i hate this i hate this. fuckkkkkkkk.
I am so disgusting. Unbelievably.