Venting about all the horrible things going on in my head at this very moment.

I keep trying to tell myself I am normal, I weigh a very normal, healthy weight.

But I hate it. Today I went running with B and A, and by running WITH them, I really mean running BEHIND them and then turning around after 9 minutes because this is what I was thinking: you can’t keep up because you’ve gained ten pounds. Your stomach is huge, flab flab flab. How did you ever let yourself go like this and get this out of shape! Oh goodness you are so huge. Get with the fucking program. Really, this is unacceptable. You’re slow. and fat. 

And that’s when I stopped and told them out loud that I was fat and out of shape and injured and turning around. So I only ran for 19 minutes, they ran for 48 minutes. I am a huge loser. I can’t stand not being in shape. I hate my body right now, it’s disgusting. TEN pounds is too much. Too much.

I am much happier when I don’t weigh this much. I swear it. This fucking sucks.

I hate this feeling. It’s so hard to understand, if you’ve never been here before. Why the hell does it come back so quickly, so instantly, so harshly, and so intensely?  I want my November body back. I can just imagine, if Michelle saw me right now she would be like, “What have you been eating? How much have you been running? You look…different from the last time I saw you.”

I can’t run in a sports bra and shorts right now…which pretty much sucks a lot when everyone else is with their six packs and cellulite-less thighs.

Collegiate running has ruined me for life. I think normal is what a DI runner looks like.  I want so badly to be ok with 120 pounds. Or whatever. But I am totally, completely NOT ok with it at all. I can’t stand it, I feel horrible, I look horrible. I am a fucking number.

I get so mad at myself for thinking like this, but I can’t help it, … I just think it. I believe it. I tell myself not to believe it but I do and it’s so frustrating to fucking try to rationalize with your own fucking self.

I hope this is just a moment. And not something I think about for too much longer.

So fucking annoying.

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