I can’t take being sick anymore. I have the hugest headache ever, from sneezing and blowing my nose every 5 seconds: not an exaggeration. I have so many papers due this week, I’m sitting here trying to do them and I just finished one but now all my energy is zapped. I’m pretty much at that breaking point where I give up and don’t care anymore. I’m trying really hard not to get there…but I’m just so frustrated.
Since I’ve been sick so much I have refrained from running or exercising much the past month (I have been sick three times in thirty days…what the fuck.) And while I have not stepped on the scale still since I said I wouldn’t this whole month, I can TELL I have gained weight. It’s visually obvious. I mean, ok, a girl cannot expect to remain the same weight she was when running 40-50 miles per week and eating soley to survive and perform. Fine. I get that.
Well, I get that but I can’t take it. I HAVE to be able to exercise and run. And seriously, what the hell. There’s no gray areas with me. I am either hard core, or apathetic. Take last week, I ate whatever the hell I wanted to and didn’t really think too much about it. I can’t do that. Because even if for the week, it was ok, it won’t be ok the next week. I’ll think about it until I care about it. I NEED TO EXERCISE. But I can’t fucking BREATHE. UGH! Seriously. I think I’ve gained like ten pounds. I’m tempted to find out. I just need to be healthy. There’s nothing wrong with being healthy and only eating foods that are good for you. It sucks though, because it ruins being social. Why do Americans have to eat in order to be social? Ritual Monday nights here entail going to this college-atmosphere italian restaurant where pizza is half off. Pizza is not especially good for you. But it’s only once a week, right? Yeah for them…they’re all running forty miles a week. I’m not running anything worth writing about. And why do people always have to comment about it? So fucking what if I feel better about myself when I only eat things with nutritional value? It doesn’t mean anything other than I enjoy being healthy.
I totally can’t go tonight. There’s no way. I just can’t. I feel like it’s one of those stressful moments where going will cause so much uproar in my head I’ll be unable to function like a normal person. Like if I go…I’ll have to compensate. And that just doesn’t seem like it’s possible.
I can’t decide if I’m about to cry because I’m sick of being sick or if it’s because I can’t stand not exercising for this long or if it’s because it’s very possible I’ve gained a significant amount of weight. Or maybe all three together. Or unconsciously something else. I don’t know.