It is such a huge, big, horrible deal for a few minutes. It’s like, all of a sudden, I cannot handle a thought and I have to fix it immediately. Literally. So I went and ran 4 miles. Which probably seemed crazy. I guess it sort of was being dark outside and having drank a few. I am so stubborn though, I just had to. It didn’t harm anything, what it did do was make everything better. And if 4 miles can make everything better than so be it, right?

So the reason this happened. I, likely because of a steep decrease in mileage, have gained 7 pounds since November. This always seems to happen. I always weigh far less during cross country season than I do coming out of winter. I blame it on injuries…winter training does not like me. Whatever though, I don’t even need to train..I am not on the team.

But this is killing me!! I am happy off the team, but I have to run still. I have to run hard core still. My body likes me better when I am running high mileage. Or, I like myself better. Which is stupid because that is basically saying, I like myself better at 113, and I hate myself at 117. Argh what the fuck, seriously. No one fucking cares if I weigh 117. Really, Emily, really.

Why do I get so frustrated so quickly with a fucking number. I don’t even think I look any different. Well, I didn’t until I found out the numbers. Then of course, I look huge. I know it’s pretty ridiculous.

You know, I think that’s what drives me nuts most about all of this. That I can see perfectly well that it is completely insane for me to want to lose weight, or think I am fat, or need to go run 4 miles because I ate too much.  And then once I think any of those things, I’m telling myself, no, it’s fine, you’re fine, but I am so afraid that there’s some chance I’m not fine and everything I think is true that I have to fix it right then, or I am absolutely miserable.

None of this makes sense.

One thought on “nuts

  1. Here’s something I read in a blog

    http://thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.wordpress.com/2008/01/29/how-do-you-diet-when-you-have-an-eating-disorder/

    To be honest, my principles are utterly against dieting, but my insecurities are not. I don’t care if people are fat. I don’t care if people are thin. I don’t care about peoples’ diets and find discussion of them tedious in the extreme. I am on the side of the size acceptance movement and demonising fat and fat people angers me. If my principles were just strong enough that I could accept myself, I think that way happiness would lie. I enviously watch those who exude confidence.

    It’s a different situation, but this paragraph made a big impact. The contradiction between being rational, to know you should dismiss a thought you KNOW it’s not important; and the feelings… like it doesn’t matter you KNOW, it’s not the same as making yourself understand. It just keeps on drilling in your head.

    Like

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