Last March, I wrote an entry titled “If You Really Knew Me.” I have crossed off everything that is no longer true.

1. I am afraid I will never get over this
2. I’m afraid you will think I am crazy if I tell you
3. I cry because I don’t understand how you can love me
4. Because I’m not sure I love myself
5. I want to be accepted by everyone
6. I wonder what everyone thinks about me
7. all the time
8. I wish I would someday accept myself as is
9. I step on the scale far too often
10. The scale is my measure of worth
11. I wish it wasn’t
12. I’m scared I am ruining my health
13. I want to have kids, and hope I am able to
14. I’m afraid of growing up, even though sometimes I want it to so badly
15. I need your help
16. I don’t know how you’ll react. I don’t want to be a cause of stress or problem in your life
17. I’m extremely ashamed
18. When I have a good day or week, I get scared of losing my eating disorder (and consequently gaining weight)
19. I feel out of control
20. When I feel pressured to eat high cal/high fat foods I usually purge after
21. I lie in an attempt from hurting others
22. I’m afraid this will kill me
23. I’m afraid of the future
24. and not being (highly) successful
25. It’s getting harder everyday to fake happiness
26. I’m severely moody, lately
27. I have read Second Star to the Right at least five times
28. I watch YouTube videos about ED’s because I don’t feel so alone knowing there are other people suffering from this too
29. Sometimes I wish you would ask me if I am okay
30. Sometimes shopping or trying to find clothes to wear makes me cry
31. I lack confidence and it shows in my running
32. I’m afraid I won’t do well at UNC in cross country and track
33. I’m intelligent but sometimes I cannot think clearly because I am thinking about this
34. I’m highly afraid of failure
35. I have this constant need to impress everyone
36. I keep trying to find out who I am in hopes it will make this all go away
37. I have no idea who I am
38. I am very sensitive
39. I constantly recall times when the eating disorder was particular bad
40. I am always nervous and I don’t know why
41. I am so, so sorry.

No one ever said it was going to be easy. No one ever said I needed to be perfect.

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