Something happens—-> I think I am fat.
I woke up this morning and was immediately stressed out by something that is completely out of my control but a little bit devastating for me, or it was, at 8 O’clock this morning. So I spent the rest of the day telling myself I am fat. What the hell. It is just so ingrained in my head. As soon as I become stressed out, I automatically start thinking negative thoughts relating to weight. Suddenly I just had to step on the scale, although I never had the chance to, I was dying to all day long. Suddenly, I decided my new years resolution was stupid and I shouldn’t say I won’t have any ED behaviors, maybe only say I won’t purge. [That way I can just…not eat in times like this.]
I am so incredibly ridiculous. Right? Even if I gained 5 pounds…no one can tell. Right? Ugh!
So as I am running on the treadmill today, I am thinking to myself, “gee, how the HELL are you going to teach people how to be HEALTHY when you cannot even think like a fucking normal person regarding your own damn health?” Really, how am I going to do that … in 6 months, that will be my job. The irony is unbelievable. God, good thing I am possibly the most talented hypocrite in the U.S.
My life is amazing, but I truly suck at handling stress. Any amount of it at all.
I wish I could literally cut out the part of my brain that tells me I need to lose weight all fucking day long. It’s getting real old.