2007: In the beginning of the year I was fat, ugly and depressed. At least, that’s what I told myself every single day. I could reduce myself to tears in a split second, my mind was so warped. I would be getting ready to go somewhere, and then cancel because I did not want to leave my apartment looking so awful.
I had signed the letter of intent to run at a Division I school and simultaneously got injured and did not have a track season, adding to my ultimate break down into eating disorder behavior. I made several attempts at getting help, but the people I saw were more crazy than I was. Then I finally saw someone who actually helped….and slowly started to change things.
I broke off the the longest relationship I’d had until that point.
I moved to Colorado.
I changed my degree.
I struggled sometimes; between June and December, but I got passed it fairly quickly and smoothly.
I turned 21!
I reunited with the most amazing man ever
2008: I will graduate! Early! I’ll apply to internships, and pray I get one in or near New York City. I will see Spain and France. I will decide where and when I am going to graduate school. I will run lots of road races and no track races–unless I want to. [I will quit track.] I will do things that make me happy. I am going to make all of the eating disorder stuff a thing completely of the past, for good.
I think I have come to accept the fact that I am obviously my own worst critic; and that this is ok. Really, it makes me who I am. It makes me a hard worker and people pleaser. It makes me successful. Essentially, it is my strength but also my downfall. That is how it will always be. I think too much and it makes me creative and yearning for more. I just cannot let the negative nagging get to me. I think this is possible. It has been mostly possible the past few months.
Something else, I think running, for my school, is a big big contributor to eating disorder stuff. There is so much pressure [granted, mostly from myself] and just so many other girls who are obviously anorexic. Plus I am pretty sure practically every naturally born thin girl who does not model is running for a DI university. That’s fine. But I need to separate myself from it. I need to run only for myself. So far, it has been fun. I still need to tell my dad and my coach I am not returning to run this coming semester…but I have already made up my mind. I’ve just been running whatever the hell I want to run and it feels really good. I am sure my competitive nature will come back to me shortly, but for now I have no race I am training for and when I want one i can pick whatever one I want.
So, good. I’m feeling pretty darn good about my life right now.
It helps that I am falling in love. He truly is amazing. And to make things even better, my family adores him. My dad might possibly be more into him than I am (note sarcasm). My mom thinks we are just darling together and my brother asked me what we’re going to name our first kid (again, note sarcasm). But really, they all love him. If I could pick the perfect guy to be with-I mean hand pick every quality, it would be him. I love his family too. I met them all (minus his dad, who is currently in Afghanistan) and they are sweet. I almost feel like this is all too good to be true and someone is going to wake me up soon.
The only downfall is that since he is at WP in NY, and I in CO, we are far apart and won’t get to see each other more than a few times this semester. But that is OK, and definitely worth it. My dad keeps smiling at me as if to say he knows I’m in love and he couldn’t be happier for me…