Sometimes words multiply in my head and it all makes perfect sense to me. Even though the words are jumbled and spinning; they are correlating. I drift off easily and often write parts of journal entries in my head.

Something is wrong in my head. I don’t know the science of it. Evidence you ask? Alright. Here goes.

I have the tools and knowledge to lose weight or body fat healthily. This knowledge has been instilled in me, I know right from wrong, good from bad. I can counsel someone on how to do this. But for me I somehow think this is not the best way to lose weight? No, that’s not it. Because I know it’s not the best way to lose weight. But for some reason I still want to do it the eating disordered way. What’s in it for me? I have to be getting some gratification from losing weight the unhealthy way. I’m just not sure what exactly that is. I don’t enjoy depression. Pain. Being unhealthy. Physical effects of malnutrition. …Do I? No. I pride being healthy and helping others be healthy. It’s my fucking major, what the hell is wrong with me? Why would I ever want eating disorder behaviors back?

I DON’T KNOW, I don’t know! But I do.

Psychology.  I’m eating chocolate, reminiscing about the childhood days before I became this way, and wishing I had the willpower to lose weight.

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