I weigh 111. Not 111.5, 111.

How does this keep happening? I check myself over and could swear to anyone I’ve gained a few pounds. I’d also swear I’m not eating any less. I have noticed the return of that sick feeling around certain foods I used to eat regularly, like yogurt for example. I can’t bring myself to eat a whole container (100cals) of yogurt, I feel like gagging after about half of it. I don’t know..it’s weird indeed. 111…wow. The crazy part of me says, 111 is nothing, 106 sounds better. (I don’t know why?)

My old cross country/track coach from my junior college came up here last weekend and one if the first things she said to me was, “have you lost weight?” and continued with comments like … “You look so skinny … I can see it in your face … you must be feeling really good trimming up like that.” And that my friends, is the stinger. Trimming up? Did I need to trim up before? I mean I know I tell myself daily that I could stand to lose some weight, but it’s a whole different ball game when somebody else suggests that one might need to “trim up.” I at least have two sides to my constant evil nagging mind, the other side being that which tells me I am infact ok, and probably do not really need to lose weight. Someone else saying such things does not leave any room for differing opinions, it is just fact: you need to lose weight. Period.

What’s going on here? Its almost easier to blame things on my own thoughts. But that was not MY thought! Only I am supposed to tell myself to lose weight. to “trim up.” The nerve! Right?

This kind of thing lurks around in my head begging to get to me. What will 106 get me? “Wow, you’ve finally lost all that extra baggage, eh?”

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