I weigh 112-114 now. I feel less consumed with weight though, and more accepting of myself. Although, cross country is proving to be a very intense situation. The team is very thin, and since I am coming in about 9th on the team, pushing to be 7th sometimes I get tense during practice because I am afraid the reason I am 9th is because I am carrying around more weight then the others. It is not a fair statement to myself. No, no it’s not. I mean, I weigh less than I agreed (with myself) was a good weight.

And for the record, I am struggling with this. I said 115 was the limit. But I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin at 112-113.

I don’t really want to talk about weight.

It is always on my mind, I always want to talk about it.

I begin classes tomorrow. Biochemistry. Yikes.

J killed himself. It’s always the smart ones. The ones that can not stop thinking. The ones that drive themselves nuts over philosophical questions. He was always like that. I am like that.