Life has been amazingly great as of late. Bri finally joined me in our house and we finished fixing the house up. I love it here, and have been experiencing a vast variety of new things which has been pretty exciting.

There is only one thing (oh ok, you say, I knew everything couldn’t possibly mean everything.) that is not amazing and that, naturally, is my weight. I am completely focused on the scale’s numbers. Which by the way, maintain 114.5. Every time it drops, I become elated–for seconds. And then my next immediate thought is how happy I would be if it was even less.

I do not think I ever realized until now, how much this has to do with cross country. I would say they are largely linked. Every year before the season, I compare myself to the other girls on the team, and every year I feel that all the girls who are faster than I are thinner as well. Ding Ding Ding! Extra pounds equal slower times. This is in fact true and not some lie I make up and tell myself daily. That is not the eating disorder speaking. (and yes it will probably make one equally as slow if they are in calorie deficit……..I know.) My point here is; my competitive nature haunts me and I want to do everything possible to be a faster runner…and this is always what I feel is my biggest problem. Whether or not it is actually a problem is a different story. Maybe that is the Eating Disorder talking.

120-110=10. That is all I want.

One thought on “120-114=6

  1. Yah, eating disorder talking…definitely. Do you think Lance Armstrong got fast by starving? NO! I’m sorry you are in the trap of the dreaded ED. I wish I could say something that would make sense, but I’m sure I can’t. Umm…I’m at a loss, sorry.


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