why why why. GOOOOOOOOOO AWAY. Please please go away. I HATE you. I despise you.

How are you?  Excellent. Fine. Good.

I am fat, that is how I am. I am scared and excited and nervous. I am unable to defeat the mirror’s horrific reflection daily. Luckily the bathroom was too dirty. But it did cross my mind. And these things happen so fast when I thought it, I knew I would have done it right then, had it not been so disgusting. I tell myself so many times in any one day I am fat and I need to do something about it. I replay instances of eating things I could have done without. I replay mornings when I slept instead of going to the gym for that double-day-workout. All day all day long. I hate so much this craziness that ensues in my head. It is an awful state to be in to suddenly realize I must be the equivalent to a full grown elephant. And at the same time to know it has to be irrational but not being able to see it with my own eyes. 

How are you?

Oh, if I only knew. If I could only come to a consensus with myself! It surely makes sense to see something and believe it is real.


I want to live without any rules. How…magnificent.

My last day of work was today. I am moving on Saturday. We do not have a house anymore. Everyone involved is a little bit on edge.  I was house-sitting all weekend with no internet access and I wanted sorely to write in my journal, but could not due to the sorry lack of technical modernness in the house. I have thought about things as I might write them down since I started journaling way back in middle school. And it was really killing me not being able to write it all down. And by write, I mean type. It’s just too hard to literally write because I cannot write nearly as fast as I can type and my brain works too fast for the pen-and-paper option.

What game exactly is this? Did you know once you start the game it never ends? You can collect $200 at go. But you have an abyss of debt opportunity; infinity. Oh, unless you die. Then it is over. In which case, though, you might win. Or lose, it all depends. 

Dear Journal,

I wish I could stop arguing with myself.

Is anybody listening?????????????? I can’t escape this mind-trap by myself. It is dumb to cry, stop. It’s no use to have lonely tears. What good will that do?

The only thing wrong with you journal, is that you do not have sympathy or show emotion or give advice or just talk back, ever. I wish you were a real person.

3 thoughts on “sinking feeling

  1. I’m listening! Please feel free to join Life After ED (http://www.lifeaftered.com/). It is a support group for those trying to recover. I can tell you really want to get out of this vicious cycle. Visit the site, the ladies on there are amazing and willingly offer answers, sympathy and advice and all this from real, live people.


  2. I’m a twenty-seven year old female who just underwent intensive treatment for Anorexia last June. It was the worst experience of my life– honestly, it was…. but I came face to face with my disorder and wasn’t able to engage in any behaviors, well because they were watching me 24/7. But I can promise you there’s light on the end of the tunnel. Like the other person mentioned, I suggest reading “Life Without Ed”. It’s a great book and can offer some positive insight on what it’s like to break free from ED.


  3. I get this. An acquaintance asks “How are you?” and my mouth says “Good” but my mind says “FAT, fat, horrible, full, overflowing out of my jeans, miserable, absolutely miserable.”

    I’m listening.



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