It is so easy to forget our missions. To live, and be happy. Sometimes our brains effortlessly repeat the daily grind of our lives, and it is not difficult to get lost in the mundane process.
As I was cursing the heat and the sun and well, the universe for making it so damn hot on my run at 6:30pm I had to ask myself why I was even running in the first place. Because frankly, it would be much easier to stop. Then I became fixated on the idea that I have sort of lost myself. A slow deterioration of my personality and characteristics over the past few years. The heat overcame my desire to run right then, and I walked for about two minutes. Where is my ambition? I started to run again. Screw the heat, yeah! Bring it on, mother nature. But back to my deterioration… it all happened very gradually. However, I think I have gained many of these so-called lost traits back over the past few months. It is just that I filled so much of my time up with obsessing about all things related to eating disorders that now, when I am not obsessing, I feel like something is missing. Well yes there is something missing, I am not using every spare second to calculate calories. So, I keep taking two steps forward and one step back. I keep losing myself in my all-consuming world. Because I miss it?
I never completely lost myself. I have always been here, fully capable of what I want to accomplish. I just have to work extra hard at finding that ambition.