That is the last date that I actually wrote about purging. I might have done it once or twice in the week following that date, but certainly not after I wrote the letter in the first week of May. So I am going with April 24th as the last day that I ever made myself throw-up on purpose. Being that is the 21st of June, that is almost two months passed. The mind is the most powerful thing in the human body. It really can destroy someone…but it can also unleash achievable greatness. Yeah?
Last night Jess and I ate dinner at Mac Grill and I wrote (you can write on the paper-table cloth) Call Jessica for a good time, and she left her phone number–and then I did too. Well, besides the fact that the waiter was pretty good looking, and he did text Jessica later that evening, I got a text as well. read: “Just so you know, you left your debit card at the restaurant. This is your waiter.” Oh, idiot. So now I have to drive 25 minutes to the restaurant (NOTHING is remotely close to this town) and then proceed to drive to work, which will make that drive another 40 minutes. woo fricken hoo. Jessica gets the hott guy and I get to waste gas because I can’t remember to take my debit card out of the receipt holder.
I am losing weight. I think it’s ok though. I’m pretty sure (I’m doing my best not to keep track since keeping track=obsessing=eating disorder) I have been eating enough calories, and mostly the right calories. It is just because I am running everyday now, lifting weights about 4 times a week, just doing what I need to be doing as far as training for cross country. Of course I cannot help but get a little bit excited. weight loss is exciting, I just cannot let it get out of control.
I am learning that other people–those who do not have eating disorders–do not look down on them necessarily, as I always think in my head. I think everyone else thinks they are a sign of weakness, girls trying to get attention, people with no self esteem or confidence (which to some extent is true) and just…shameful people. But not the case. Christian and I had a conversation last Saturday and one of his ex-girlfriends came up and she is/was anorexic. And he didn’t talk about her as if she was this shamed person, he just talked about her like any of his other friends. I was kind of taken aback by this, my brain telling me to get ready for him to say all these things about her that were unpleasing characteristics. But that is just not the case.
Consequently, I have recently come to the conclusion that it is ok to have these problems, and it is ok to talk about them. No one is going to think differently of me. And if they do, who are they to make such judgments? Probably not people I want to surround myself with, anyway.
Hey, it’s ok. We’re gonna make it the end! April twenty-fourth. I am amazing, you are amazing, everyone is amazing.