So. I am no longer in counseling. When I first started going, I was apprehensive about the whole counseling idea in the first place. I was beyond nervous and it was hard for me to verbally articulate what I wanted to say. But after trying a handful of people who I did not feel comfortable with, I remember thinking to myself, alright, I will try the ASU center and if they don’t call me back…screw it, I am meant to live like this forever. They called, weeks later. I remember running outside so no one could hear what I was talking about on the phone. She asked me what I needed help for and I just blurted out I have an eating disorder. I actually could not believe I’d said that, out loud. I’d never owned the problem like that before. Usually I would skirt around the subject with words like food issue, not eating, getting rid of food, and here I had just told a complete stranger what was up.
So here I am, almost five months later. I am proud of overcoming a lot of the issues. Psychology is unfair though. You spend months, even years paying someone to listen to you and guide you and give professional advise, and then at some point, it has to end. The person you have told everything to, in a similar fashion one might tell a very close friend, is no longer there. I could never be a therapist because I would always want to know how the people I helped ended up. I would expect some sort of bimonthly e-mail update or something…it would drive me crazy not knowing if they ever truly got passed their issues, if they relapsed…etc.
I guess my point here is, I am glad I don’t have to go anymore, don’t have to pay someone (albeit the meek $10) to listen to me, but I am also sad I don’t have that appointment to talk about it to someone who understands. I know my mom would listen, but even she admitted she doesn’t get it. It’s hard to talk about something serious when you know the other person is not really understanding. Anyway.
I’ll be okay.
It’s alright to have bad days.
And someday, I will have days where none of this ever crosses my mind, I can feel it.
But for now, I just have to remember It’s okay to have bad days, as long as I can move past them. I know I can.