Lying in bed last night, about to drift off, I had a heart-wrenching realization. I want all the time back that I spent/do spend on everything related to this obsession and eating disorder. Looking back at just the past few months alone, which have been far less consuming then previous months before that, is very, very sad. Oh how I wish I could have it all back. I panicked a little bit–felt the blood pressure hit the ceiling. Because there is no way to get it back. It is gone forever, all that time. Where did my adolescence go? It got swallowed, almost whole, by an eating disorder. What did I lose? Too much…

ability to have fun
social activities
some physical health
hair, skin, nails, etc.
xc/track races
xc/track practices
immune system
ability to eat normally
ability to enjoy shopping

oh, but I have gained plenty…

critical awareness of my body at all times
ability to lie quite well
ability to cry easily
anger, frustration, irritability
hatred for myself
being nervous frequently, for no reason
irrational thinking
ability to puke on command
sore throats, colds, headaches

So I have not had the best two weeks. For awhile I was struggling with the fact that I gave up purging, and it was definitely not an option. I wanted to honor my decision but I was also a little panicked. I never purged. But I can’t give myself props for that because I still wasted so much time fretting about it. It seems that is nearly as bad.

I am going to try to focus on running, and doing everything as much as possible to be healthy with that in mind. Eat the right sources of fuel, do the right workouts, lift weights for running. I’m going to do all this because I want be on that varsity team and I want to be healthy. NOT because I want to lose weight. I don’t NEED to lose weight. If it happens while training, it happens. IF it does not, that is ok too. I’m sick of losing so much time. When am I going to choose a better life?

I’m going to try right now.

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