I’ve been reading through my grandmother’s diaries and it is all very interesting. She kept immaculate records of her depression medication and spent a majority of the writings trying to figure out why she was (clinically) depressed, what caused this spell, etc. She was also quite critical of others, which I suppose was her way of putting those thoughts/feelings in their place, on paper, so as not to say them aloud. I wonder what caused her to become an alcoholic. ( I have not read the diaries from far enough back, I started with 1985-2000, which by that point she only talks of AA meetings and sobriety.) It is curious. I find a lot of the same characteristics she holds true in myself. I wish I’d known her better…She passed a few days after 9/11 and I was only a freshman in high school.
I have fought purging a lot this past week. I think it actually helps that I am not in my apartment, because that bathroom was like a habit. Shower=purge. My room here does not have nearly as bad of an association with purging. But regardless of the environment, I have really struggled with feeling full and not purging. I keep thinking about it! I think it is easier to distract myself here because this house is so huge and my room is pretty big too, it’s not like my bed, a bajillion and five mirrors, and then the bathroom. There is plenty of space here, contrary to the apartment, and besides that I am petrified of purging here for fear that (though extremely unlikely) a family member will find out.
I have been partying lately which is not so much like me, but I have decided it is because of an increase in confidence. However, this confidence is far to fragile to be drinking like I have been. BECAUSE, alcohol wears off, and then I start thinking about all the extra calories I put in from alcohol and anything I may have ingested while drinking, and yes, then there is a dive (like in the ocean, or deep sea rather, and all the way to the sand–maybe a few feet under the sand.) in my confidence level.
I haven’t stepped on the scale in at least a week. ONLY BECAUSE I AM SO SCARED OF IT. I want to know, I have to know it is driving m crazy but I am overwhelmingly afraid of the scale. I told myself I would be happy between 116-120. But I didn’t give any stipulations for if that number is higher and frankly, I am pretty sure my reaction to a higher number will not be a favorable one.
I need to get more sleep. Seriously.