EDNOS. The failure of eating disorders! Those who cannot manage to lose their periods. Or lose 15% of their weight, at normal weight. The ones who, despite trying far too hard, fail at the very thing they thought they could control, and keep failure (once again) from knocking at their door.

I have been diagnosed with EDNOS twice, by two different people. I had kind of the same reaction: 1. I already knew that. 2. Wait, what? I actually have an eating disorder? 3. What the hell I can’t do anything right.

I have had considerably more successes than failures the past two months as far as overcoming this EDNOS business. In fact, I don’t even meet most of the criteria for that any longer. Congratulations! I just feel unsure. I know I am strong, I know have confidence somewhere, I know I am intelligent, responsible, capable. It’s just, I also know I can be a stressful, depressed, anxious person lacking confidence and self esteem. Currently, that is my biggest fear. To slip back into that. Because I still think about it a lot. I still get frustrated with my appearance. I still have days where I get so frustrated it’s hard to hold back crying and move on with the day. The difference, of course, is that I do indeed move on with the day, whereas before I would barely move on and not really be able to function well since I would be consumed with losing weight.

I’m scared, that’s all. Sometimes I have extra time to myself and I don’t know what to do with it and automatically I start thinking about what’s wrong with my body. It just happens. So sometimes I occupy myself with other things…but on occasion I just let myself think/worry about it.

This morning I went to a 50min. pilates class. Biked 20 min. Lifted weights–arms, abs, back. Then in the afternoon I ran 28 min.  I ate fairly well.

I still have this unsettling unsatisfied feeling that I am not good enough. Woulda coulda shoulda. Maybe it comes with living at home. I feel the constant need to be perfect here.

One thought on “Our Greatest Fear

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